Unhappy Old Year

It's been a tough year. My last post was about the murder of a friend's brother. Then there was Superstorm Sandy. It would have been nice if that still held the title of "Biggest Bad Thing That Happened in 2012," but then 20 school children and six adults were slaughtered in Newtown, CT national attention rightly shifted to that horrific event. All mass shootings are sad and horrible, and I'm not saying anything profound by pointing out that the ages of most of the victims made this one feel worse. At least it did to me. I didn't cry in 1999 when the victims were my age. I didn't cry in 2007 when 32 people were killed at Virginia Tech. But I sure as hell cried this time. I know I'm not alone in this, and that's why this will be a watershed event in American history. Things will change. They have to. I don't care what your political opinions are. Things must, and will change.

This was only the second time I can remember crying while driving. The first time was when my mother called to say she was taking our dog for his last walk to the beach before putting him to sleep. I was on my way to work and I reassured her that Winston was suffering and she was doing the right thing. As soon as I hung up- alligator tears. Wet steering wheel.

This time, I was on my way home from work, listening to news reports from Newtown. Just imagining the pain of parents who'd lost their children, thinking about how they probably had their kids' Christmas presents hidden in their attics, and the emptiness that they'll always feel, especially around the holidays, was enough to bring me to tears. Not quite wet steering wheel tears, but silent, stoic tears. Strong men also cry. I'll end this section by wishing, as our whole nation has, that the families who lost their kids can find some shred of comfort to hang on to.



But I was always going to write about the storm, because how could I not?  It's been almost two months since it hit, and by all accounts, the progress at my beloved Jersey Shore has been astounding. More than that, the resolve and the attitude that my friends and family have shown in the face of life-altering circumstances has been inspiring, but not surprising. When shit goes down, you really find out who people are, and my people are awesome.

It was strange watching the events unfold from 3,000 miles away. It went from making good old fashioned storm jokes, to "woah, this is a big one" to "I hope there isn't too much damage" to "holy shit, my quiet little neighborhood is on national TV because it's pretty much been wiped out." It's a helpless feeling.

In the days that followed, after I knew everyone was safe, things started to sink in. It felt like a loss. Like, you're fine for most of the day, then you remember how bad it is and how the people you care about the most are hurting. I thought about how many of the homes and landmarks and the scenery that had been burned into my brain over my whole life, the little things I took comfort in whenever I went home may no longer exist the next time I visit.

I've written before that I don't really know where I'm from because I moved around a bunch growing up. This makes my mother feel guilty. It's ok Mom. But the storm made it abundantly clear that I am from the Shore. It's the place I feel most connected to because it was the constant, no matter what my permanent address may have been over the years.


Another wake up call- My mother asked us to send her a coat because she didn't realize how long she'd have to be away from home and didn't bring a heavy one with her. We made arrangements to send her a coat (along with a bunch of other clothes to be disbursed among our family and friends) but it hit me all of a sudden, "My mother doesn't have the coat she needs right now." That was surreal. I saw some friends comment on Facebook that it was crazy seeing the benefits and fundraisers on TV because they were for US. This happened to US. What a crazy perspective. I don't mean to sound trite, since the residents of Newtown are certainly experiencing this grim reality, but again, it was kind of surreal.

Tomorrow, I fly home for the first time since the storm and everyone has said that pictures won't prepare me for what I'll see. I'm sure they're right. Amazing work has been done, but so much more work remains. But I've never been more excited to go home, and never more anxious either. I think the hugs will be a little tighter this year, the smiles a little wider. There will probably be tears too, but I think they'll be more stoic than alligator. And there will be alcohol. So much sweet alcohol. Can't wait to see everyone. Merry Christmas.

The epitome of "bittersweet," the theme of this trip home.

Officer Brad Fox

Hi gang. Hope you had a good summer. I haven't written since July, huh? I suck. Wait, no I don't. Negative self-talk is just that, negative. Too much of it can lead to self-fulfilling prophecy of poor performance and an unfavorable self-image. It's better to correct your mistake, and move on. Dont' dwell on your errors or short-comings.

A quick update on that July post- I wrote a private Facebook message to Jay a few weeks ago, and as of this morning he has not written back. I sure hope it's because he doesn't check FB regularly. It has to be, right? If someone came out of the blue and had possession of a very personal piece of your, uh, personal history, wouldn't you respond? Anyway, I'll let you know if I hear from him.

Today, I want to write about something horrible that happened. There's no smooth way to segue into this.

Brad Fox was a police officer in Plymouth Township, PA and the older brother of my college roommate, Jim and he was killed in the line of duty on September 13th. 

The last time I "wrote" about this, it didn't go as well as I would have liked. It was a text message to Jim saying how sorry I was and that I was glad to have met Brad. Those parts were fine. But I also said something about finding peace in the memories of his brother. This was literally the morning after it happened. The wound was far too raw to be talking about memories. That's like seeing a guy get his arm chopped off and immediately wishing him luck with physical therapy.

Jim wrote me back a few days later, thanking me for the message. I'm don't think it bothered him. Jim always sees the best in people (unless they're a NY Rangers fan). But I was annoyed at myself. The news hit me pretty hard and I should have waited a few hours for the shock to wear off. I wonder if part of me thought that since I'd experienced the sudden loss of my father, I was extra-qualified to offer condolences and should do it right away.  I know my intentions were good, but no two losses are the same. There's no Loss Club that you join where you automatically know how someone else feels.

Before becoming a cop, Brad was a Marine and served two tours in Iraq. When we met a few years ago, I remember thanking him for his service and saying something about how I could never do it on account of me being a complete pussy. He chuckled at my civilian guilt, but then he said something to the effect of, "It's a job, like any other." I didn't agree with him, but I really admired his outlook and his bravery. He didn't flaunt it. He wasn't one of those asshole Marines. You know the type. 

To survive war, only to be victimized in his own country is disheartening to say the least. Here's the account of his death. But if there's a bright side to this tragedy, it's the incredible support that the Fox family has received. Jim told me it's been more than they ever could have expected. Here's the official Facebook page if you'd like to learn more.